Free yourself.
Become “the least of these.”
It is the only way.
“What is hidden in the dark will come to light.”
I would rather die than continue to live a life that only shines a half-truth.
My #1 value is truth.
Last January, 2024, with the help of a beautiful soul named Emily, I made a list of my top career-related values.
Before that, we identified any self-limiting beliefs through various modalities, which Emily carefully selects for each of her clients. For me, she used Mental and Emotional Release, which included a lot of visualization and naming things with closed eyes. We uncovered the false belief I’d been carrying, which is that it is not safe to be me.
Moving forward through the process, we developed the opposite, affirmative version of that statement.
My list of values began with that as the heading:
It is safe to be me.
Truth
Commitment
Co-creation
Relationships
Natural expression
Choice
Work for myself
Resources
Connection
Fluidity
Community
Mobility
Service
Empathy
I have written a book. Writing it helped me process and integrate many lived experiences and lessons learned so far in my life. It is like any creation, beauty from ashes.
The closer I’ve gotten to its birth and full manifestation, the more I have been completely consumed by any unfinished business of my past. I would go as far as to say my past lives, as well as generational trauma that came before me. It has felt like a plague some days. This weekend is the first time I feel like I understand the concept of carrying one’s cross. I must let this run its course. I must do this.
I am reminded that inner work and healing are always ongoing.
The pure beam of light that is this book is balanced by the shadow that brought it forth. One does not exist without the other. One of the contemplations in my upcoming book ESSENCE addresses this phenomenon.
Since the beginning of the year, I’ve been hearing everyone’s theories in my head, whether real or imagined, as to why I quit my jobs, why Dom and I sold the house, why I stopped teaching yoga.
Thank God I kept writing over the last year. Thank God I could channel this book. I am so grateful it gave me a steady voice to listen to and somewhere to direct my to focus while I took a sabbatical from mid-March of this year until I started work again on June 2nd.
“She must be running from something” is the theory I hear most in my head.
The whole point of the sabbatical was to stop running and to stop reaching.
I slowed down enough to actually finish the book, take it through multiple rounds of edits, and finally, push it through the long and tedious publishing process- the contractions, the labor. Even though I did slow down and become very intentional about all of that, I was still running and reaching in a new way, mentally and emotionally. Not long after finalizing edits and illustrations, I accepted that the money was running out, and I needed to look for a new job. Dom watched me silent scream in complete rage on the couch in our apartment, refraining from throwing my laptop across the room.
Fast forward to now, I’m almost two months into a new job. I sit at the front desk of an office building. It is essentially a co-working space, which also includes enclosed, glass offices and conference rooms available for rent.
I know this place will eventually be full to the brim, as soon as enough people learn it’s there and discover how nice it is. We have 20-something offices and two large areas of cubicles. Everything is modern and impressively clean… and empty, except for three offices leased out to a few local business owners.
I wasn’t technically hired as a sales rep, or the official person to market the space. I was hired as the office suites manager. The trick there is, I don’t have anything to manage until we sign new tenants. I recently sat down with the boss and offered to attend some local chamber events to get the word out. We’re also getting a new street sign out front soon, where there is more traffic. We’re hopeful that will generate more exposure and inquiries.
Other than planning a couple networking field trips, I have to be physically at the office. The building is locked at all times. I am the person to buzz in visitors and deliveries. While we still don’t have many tenants, it is very quiet. It’s just me and two cameras hovering above me on the ceiling.
For a little more context, within the last few years, the office suites are a more recent addition to the larger business solutions company, which is, believe it or not, 53 years old. Headquarters is in Memphis, and there are also branches in Jackson, TN and Jackson, MS. The building where I work is in Brentwood, TN, an area just south of Nashville. The front of the Brentwood building, where my desk is, has the available office space for rent. The back of the building houses this branch’s business solutions admin staff, technicians, and sales reps. Occasional conversations with them are my saving grace, other than various administrative tasks I’m able to do remotely for the team in Memphis.
This all might feel like a tangent, but I really wanted to paint the picture, revealing how clever God is.
Me, myself, and I, sitting there, constantly seeing my own reflection in the quiet, empty glass building.
The sense of humor is stunning.
Do you think this is what I imagined when I dreamed of writing and publishing my first book? I can only come to terms with all of this when I allow the light and shadow to balance each other.
Needless to say, I’ve been facing every part of myself. There are many aspects of my life one could point to and identify as complete failures. Yes, plural failures. I have just as many “failures” as I do “successes.” I am 36 years old, not even two months into yet another new job, an entry-level role.
I put quotations around “failures” and “successes” above because their definitions are different for everyone. I know I am right where I am supposed to be, which is my definition of success. I understand my priorities in life. They are not mainstream.
I still make mistakes. I am learning the same lessons in a new way. I will never forget where I came from, and I’m still working on balancing that with imagining the beautiful places I am capable of going.
With my #1 value being truth, this next part is necessary for me personally. If I am to continue sharing my writing, I can only do so while sharing the whole picture.
If I am inviting you to celebrate the book that I wrote, it is my desire for you to understand what all we are celebrating.
This book is the sunlight I thought would never come in my darkest days. I still can hardly believe it.
To this day, I navigate challenges like long-repressed emotions and memories, negative thought patterns, OCD, and ADHD. I consider myself neurodivergent. In the past, when I didn’t have the tools or language to understand my condition, let alone know how to partner and work with it, I experienced unhealthy coping mechanisms. For me, those manifested as addiction and self-destructive behaviors, the worst being cheating on my husband and choosing to have an abortion. That was seven years ago.
The seven-year cycle.
Both he and I chose the path of healing together, instead of apart. That is not always how the story goes, but it is how ours went.
We’ve now been married for ten years.
I can finally comprehend that I am not alone, and that is why I share specifics. Speaker meetings were my favorite kind of meeting in AA, when someone would share their story. I also did this once. I got up to share my story for an hour-long meeting. Don’t worry, if you’re thinking about going to AA- you don’t have to jump right into doing something like that. Baby steps. Getting there is the hardest part. After that, they carry you. It’s pretty incredible.
My heart is always healing. I’ve written a lot about different things that have helped me in different seasons. I went to an in-patient treatment facility in 2018. I’ve already mentioned AA. The 12 steps brought me back to a spiritual basis for my life, picking up from where I left off growing up in church. I continued to develop my spiritual life within the physical and meditation practice of yoga. I went as far as to become a certified yoga teacher and taught classes for two consecutive years, right out of teacher training.
I started this blog right around the time I was getting upside down a lot for the first time. I was practicing headstand at the time. Up until recently, I called my Substack Seeing Upside Down.
Writing has given me a place to understand the world in a way that makes sense to me. It is where I have most felt safe to be me.
The very things I write call me to you, to my family, to the ultimate connection of our hearts.
I love writing, speaking, and traveling. I would love to do these things for a living. I share so openly because I understand it is my responsibility to create the habitat around me for what I want. I must embody what I ask for. I am tested over and over again.
Do I believe it?
Do I believe me?
Do I believe in me?
Finally.
Finally, finally, finally,
I keep answering yes.
Yes, yes, yes,
Even though I’ve committed every sin in the book.
Yes, yes, yes,
Even if they think I’m crazy.
Yes, yes, yes,
Even if the great unknown only gets bigger.
Which it will,
which is why,
all I have is my knowing within.
As soon as my knowing tells me it’s time to stop writing, I will.
For now, it’s what I know I’m supposed to do.
Do you have something like that?
Even if you’re not doing it yet, does it come to mind a lot? Almost bug you? Maybe you can’t make sense of why you want to do it, you just know you want to. Here’s your sign to go for it.
If you’d like a nice supplement for your own creative journey, I wrote a book you might like.
It’s called ESSENCE. It’s full of short contemplations to stir up your intuition, ultimately connecting you to the essence of your life, of yourself. My friend Rachel Joy illustrated it with sketched flowers painted with watercolors. The book follows the metaphorical theme of a flower, from seed, to roots, to growth, to bloom.
Just like us.
We all make a pretty amazing garden together. I’m hoping this book is a good pollinator.
If you feel like spreading the love, here is the link to submit your pre-order. The book is going through print production now. 100 hardcover copies are on their way into the world. My publisher’s website link is forthcoming.
I love this wild life.
I love you.
I love me.
For better or for worse,
Jeannie Lynn
Wow wow WOOOW! I love your words and vulnerability of the pain you’ve carried and the truth of how you found yourself. I am working on partnering and working WITH my broken pieces, instead of hiding them. So great sis
🥀🌹
I love you 💕